Day 12–Surrender

SurrenderAs I’ve gotten deeper into these entries I’ve been surprised to find what I’ve written. There’s been many moments in the past weeks when a voice in my head has begged me to stop. Stop sharing, stop talking about things, stop being vulnerable. The audience, in my mind, becomes giant and judging. You grow fangs and claws, and are out for the kill–to tear me apart with a harsh judgement or a mean-spirited comment.

I set out to write what arises, to follow this flow of words from the heart, wherever they lead. Somedays I’ve thought to write something different, or to try to control what comes. “Maybe,” I think, “I can tell that funny story about that time when I lived in Australia and went to the beach to watch the kite surfers…” But then I catch myself planning and recall that I’ve vowed not to plan this. I’ve promised myself not to think out any of these entries, but rather to write what comes and be sure it is coming from love not fear, openness, not constriction.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your comments and encouragement. Sharing this part of my life with someone beyond my journal is filling me with so much joy. And I will continue to write, audience or no. I’ll face down those fanged monsters in my mind and reveal them to be nothing more than dust when I turn to blow them away with an exhale.

“The trajectory of our spiritual lives–no matter what our path…the trajectory of our spiritual lives and all of spiritual awakening is towards surrender.” ~Adyashanti

This is my surrender. This writing is my surrender of being right, of writing perfectly. Through each of these entries I feel the chance to lay bare a quiet part of myself that is difficult to express in conversation. And here I am again, surprised, astonished, even at what’s been written as if I really had nothing to do with it at all.

Thank you for reading
thank you for writing
thank you for the opportunity to attempt expression.

Surrender does not mean white flag waving
to steel cold guns pointing in the face of scared solider.
Surrender is slipping quietly through the cracks of hard world,
is wind swirling between branches and leaves,
is sun reaching tiniest plants hidden in the depths of mountain valleys.
Surrender is stopping holding on or resisting,
stopping strong stubborn spine,
is water seeping through porous rock.
Surrender is lying down inside of self,
while also being up right in the world.

Surrender is opening my heart to the whole of life, knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway, over and over again.

4 responses to “Day 12–Surrender”

  1. Surrender…. I could discuss this for days. You nailed it here. I have wrestled this one to the ground and gotten my ass kicked again and again by it…or so I like to think. It means a lot to me, trying to find a graceful way through life that is also empowering. Surrender is such a slippery one in our culture where we want to judge it as passive and submissive, which it most certainly is not when done well! I got the most powerfully informative experience about surrender while giving birth, and will never forget what it really is: a powerful act of deeply committed presence and allowing of what is happening! Or something like that….keep writing I love reading these!

    • I’m so glad you to hear all of that. I wrestled with this one too… even writing it! Worrying about people taking it the wrong way, I’m a doormat etc. You nailed it in your comment!
      Thanks Ellen

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