I feel you move inside of me and fall in love with every action. What are you feeling when you squirm your hands and legs and elbows? Your tiny fingers tickle me in places no one has ever touched. Your mysterious presence becomes more solid and more mysterious every single day. I wonder if you can feel my feelings? I wonder on what level we are communicating with each other. I think you like it when we perform concerts, you love the joy of dancing, the sound of music, and all the children’s voices.
I’ve been working hard to get the house ready for you, but really I’m getting it ready for me. You don’t care if the cupboard are de-greased or if your nursery is blue or white or pink. Yet the urge to create a clean, welcoming nest for you is overpowering at times. I’ve been thinking lately that it’s funny how we spend so much time thinking about what we’re going to “do” with our babies after they arrive. Who will hold them? Where will they lie down? Who will take care of them while I “do” the rest of my life.
I got caught up in that too, and instead I am now focusing, not on what I will do with you, but just being with you. I can’t wait to be your mom. I can’t wait to look in your eyes and touch your skin and hold you in my arms. All the rest will come when needed, I don’t need to figure anything out. You are not a distraction or an interruption to my life, you are life. My life. Your Dad’s life. Your own life. Life.
I feel that I hold inside of me, my greatest love and my greatest teacher.